It will never be the same.

Great Stafford's house. I remember setting up a tent in Grandma's back yard and having a sleep over with my cousins. I remember jumping on her little trampoline as a child and then my children jumping on it the past several times we've been to visit. Last summer Grandma even jumped on it herself. I remember going to Grandma's after one of my basketball games in junior high and getting ready for a dance. I remember picking apples out of her apple tree and looking at her hydrangea and other flowers she had in her garden. When I was younger Grandma and Grandpa used to always have diet root beer in there refrigerator. What a treat! I remember playing in her back yard and walking on her stepping stones.

My Grandfather died about 1 1/2 years ago and Grandma was living there by herself ever since. A few months ago she got really sick and then really confused and spent some time in the hospital. I've always felt like I've had a special relationship with Grandma so it has been upsetting to me. I'm sure all of her grandchildren feel this way.

After Grandma's hospital stay she was sent to an Alzheimer's unit at a nursing home. When we were visiting we went to see her almost everyday. It was so upsetting. She wasn't herself. Before she got sick and we'd talk on the phone we would always find something to laugh about together, trying to find something to cheer her up was difficult. The worst part was when we had to leave. I could see the loneliness in her eyes and on her face. She would walk us over to the door and it has a window that you can see through. She would watch us go out and then once the door was shut and she was locked in, she waved to us. Everyday she would tell us that she was planning on going home the next day, back to her house. All of my kids wanted to go to her house so bad. They would ask when they could go to her house. That was upsetting too.

After one of these visits I called Jared and told him I wanted her to come live with us. I told my Dad and he didn't think it was a good idea. She just seems so miserable there. I'm not sure that her living with us would make her happy either, but the idea of her being in an Alzheimer's unit and being miserable hurts my heart. I know that she has family visiting often and she still remembers everyone. I know when family visits it does lift her spirits.

While we were visiting her one day we went out in the garden area. It has a huge cement wall as a fence, so that none of the patients can escape. Grandma and I grabbed two chairs and sat on the sidewalk and I held her hand while Opa, Hailey, Ellie and Tahlia played red light, green light. I loved sitting there with her talking and listening to the children laugh and play. We had a few airplanes go overhead and Grandma explained to me that she waves to all the planes just in case someone up there might be able to see her. This is by far my favorite memory of our visits there with her.

She will never be able to go back to her home. And her home will never be the same without her in it. I didn't go see her home the way she left. I regret that.

I love that my kids had the opportunity to know their Great Grandma and Grandpa. I love that my kids got to run through their yard and jump on their trampoline and do the things that I did as a child. I hope those are the memories that my kids keep.